So overwhelmed. So many things I want to do. So many lives I want to change. Yet here I am feeling a failure.
This is the raw unedited image of returning home.
2 months since I returned from my second trip to Uganda.
I’m letting people down, I know it, I’m not proud of it.
Over and over I’m reminded that an empty jug can not fill a cup.
Yet I feel so distant from the only one who can fill me.
Struggling to be a good friend, to keep up with the simplest tasks.
Let alone deal with the important things pressing on my mind.
People don’t talk of the cost. The price of following where God leads.
We just see the glory, the inspiration, the courage of great men and woman of faith.
We don’t see the blood of their tears before and after their journeys of faith.
We don’t see the valleys of doubt, fear, loneliness that come alongside the joys of following Christ.
Thing is when you’ve been changed by steps of faith you cant go back.
I’m never going back to the one I was before I went to Uganda and I dont want too.
But I’ve lost more than one friend.
Somedays I just want to shut myself away from everyone and try to understand this new girl looking back at me in the mirror.
Caught between two worlds.
The girl who lived by faith in Uganda and the girl who is overwhelmed by doubts, fears back here.
Everytime I step out in faith, after every overseas trip, theses feelings and struggles come to fight with me when I return.
Is it worth it?
Is it worth being so burdened down by the cares of this world. Is it worth feeling so lost at sea when I return home.
With each step, I am closer to the heart of the one who died for me.
Everytime I surrender to Christ’s ways I am becoming less of me, more of him.
In touching an ophans hand, I touched the very heart of God. Because they are his children.
I will never be the same.
For the sake of his call, I will accept and embrace the cost.
Trusting even when He feels so far, God is holding me close, filling me with his love.